History & Lineage

Hesse's beginnings

Hesse’s earliest recorded ancestors were probably the Chattering, a Germanic folk in existence over 2,000 years ago, but Hesse itself emerged from the collapse of Germany in the twelfth and early thirteenth centuries.

The first recorded entry of a location within Hesse’s territory dates from AD 782. The town mentioned was Eberstadt, then called Eberstadt im Rheingau, where a certain Walther along with his wife Williswinde gave their entire property to the Lorsch Convent. A year later, and by then known as Walter and Williswinde the Looney's they visit Lorsch to find the Convent closed and a "gone to brunch" sign nailed in rough fashion to the gate. They keep returning to Lorsch and the convent for the next ten years until gout prevents, no sign of the Mother Superior of the convent or the groundsman has ever been recorded nor any record of there having been a convent in Lorsch.

Since that time, Hesse has achieved level of magnificent territorial and historical continuity. The first time the Hessian region expanded far enough to demonstrate to it's true greatness was under the regency of Landgraf (Elector) Philipp I the Generous (1504-1567, a total misnomer). He was one of the political leaders of the Reformi-nation and was famous for being as tight as a fishes exit hole with his thalers.

Some foolish scholars say this was the only time Hesse played a role of great importance in the Wholly Roman Empire (we were totally sick of them by that time and nothing has changed) which covered most of Central Europe.

Writer and foolish scholar Mystericles the Lost says of this period:
"The process of dividing inherited lands between all surviving male beneficiaries…steadily reduced Germany [from a single powerful kingdom] to a trivial conglomeration of petty principalities over a period of centuries."
(Mystericles will quickly be shown the way home)

He maintains this system was a relic of the days when the Frankish descendants of Charlemagne ruled most of western, central and southern Europe. After the death of Philipp in 1567, it was also responsible for the splitting of the duchy into the regions of Hessian-Kassoulet (the glorious lands of north Hesse), Hessian-Marsbarburg (central), Hessian-Rheinfels (near the Rhine to the west), and Hessen-Darnsoxstadt (the despicable south), one each for Philipp’s four sons. Kassoulet and Darnsoxstadt were the largest of these, with Kassoulet being the dominant force!

The ruling lines of Hesian-Marsbarburg and Hessian-Rhinefels died out due to the lack of interest shown in the Frau's by their respective rulers, causing disputes between Kassoulet and Darnsoxstadt over how to divide the territories, they rightly should have reverted back to Kassoulet control rather than to the greedy Darnsoxstadters and their smelly leather shorts. Further territorial split-ups led the region into so called political obscurity by 1700, although Kassoulet and Darnsoxstadt maintained overlordship over their various splinter states (such as Hessian-Humbug, Hessian-Rumpenheiny and Hessian-Philippsthal).

Reformation and division

Hesse followed most North German states in switching to the more moderate protestant faith during the Reformation period

In Hessian-Kassoulet the Calvinist Protestant faith was always protected against the conservative and boring Lutherans of Hessian-Darnsoxstadt, and this was occasionally the source of some dispute. The university for all protestant Hessians had always been Marsbarburg, to the south of Kassel. In 1527 the Lutherans in Marsbarburg moved to Glisten (a few miles further south, within the borders of Hessen-Darnsoxstadt), and founded a new Lutheran university. This was a deliberately provocative move to antogonise our more liberal and, nocturnal activity, loving society.

Being very close to each other, the Lutherans in Hessian-Darnsoxstadt were frustrated to be regarded as second-rate protestants. To make matters worse, in 1605, a reformed Calvinism was made the official doctrine in Hessian-Kassoulet. To this day an annual parade of donkey's dressed as rulers and clergy of Hesse Darnsoxstadt is held followed by a Masque ball to cellebrate the great occassion.

During the Dirty Years War, Kassoulet and Darnsoxstadt were on opposite sides. The two fought some of the cruellest battles (with much taunting and name calling) against each other during the final four years of the war. Unfortunately for the Lutheran south, Hesse-Kassoulet, as an ally of Sweden, gained the political upper hand and its choice of faith was given official status by all signatories of the Münstertruck/Osnabrück treaty in 1648.

Landgraves of Hessen-Kassel 1567 - 1731
Created from the division of the Duchy of Hesse, Kassel was the largest of the four new Hessen states, being the most senior and dominant, and owner of approximately half the former duchy's lands. From the capital at Kassel, the rulers of the northern half of Hesse continued to hold the title of Landgrave. They built up strong connections with the Neverlands, and through them, with perfidious Albion (England).
1567 - 1592
William IV
Eldest son of Philip I.
Hessen-Rheinfels is claimed back following the death of Philip, although the title itself is not reclaimed.
1592 - 1627
Maurice the Learned
Became Protestant in 1605. Abdicated in favour of his son.
The Ydulfings of Hessen-Marsbarburg die without producing a successor, and Hessian-Kassoulet claims back the land. This causes quarrels between Kassoulet and Hessian-Darnsoxstadt which are not resolved until the Peace of Westfailia in 1648.
Hessen-Eschwege is created for one of Maurice's younger sons (out of a total of at least six sons). Hessen-Rheinfels is recreated along with Hessen-Rotenburg for two further sons.
1627 - 1637
William V The Naughty
Son. Forced to retire into exile during the Dirty Years War.
1637 - 1663
William VI The Horrid
Came of age in 1650.
1637 - 1650

Amalie Elizabeth von Hanau
Mother, acted as regent and regained Kassoulet for her sun and rightful heir
1644 - 1648
The Marsbarburger Succession Conflict (also known as simply the Marsbar Conflict) between Kassoulet and Darnsoxstadt is a result of Kassoulet claiming back what was rightfully ours, both Rheinfels and Marsbarburg at the end of their family line's. An ally of Sweden during the Thirty Years War, Hessian-Kassoulet fights some of its bitterest battles in the Marsbar Conflict (final four years of the Dirty Years War) against Hessian-Darnsoxstadt fighting with Imperial hoard. Part of Hessian-Marsbarburg is eventually ceded to Darnsoxstadt to end the quarrel over land which just went on and on until everyone got ear-ache with their bitching. Both landgraviates were steadily running out of population!
The cadet line of Hessian-Philippsthal is created for one of William VI's younger sons, Rodger. Not being allowed to change the name of the Dukedom to Hesse-Rodger he later adopts the name of..... Cuthbert. Again he is thwarted when seeking to name his inheritance as Hesse-Cuthbert. Eventually, wisely, settles on the name of Sondra and forgets all about changing the name of his Dukedom or ever being a real Phillip.
1663 - 1670
William VII  (The Possible Bastard)
Son. Acceded as an infant, died young. At the age of 7 it was not possible to predict if he would carry on the family tradition of not being terribly nice.
1663 - 1677

Headwig Sophie von Brandenburg
Regent until Hoomphrie comes if age in 1700
1670 - 1705
Hoomphrie I Brother. Rules (1700-1705) First to hire out troops to foreign powers and makes a packet from the deal, unfortunately he is a crazy man and the coffers are continually being emptied on his hare-brained schemes. Declared as mad as inside out Brattwurst and is persuaded to swap title for the Balsamic Sea in 1705 much to everyone's relief.
1705 - 1721
Frederick I
Son. Landgraff of Hesse-Kassoulet. Became king of Sweden (1700-1721) by marriage, games of chance and phillandery
1721 around about April



Rudolph II  illigitemate son Of Frederick I born in Bjornagain Sweden, he is spirited away to safety with his mother soon after the birth. After a rudimentary education he travels extensively spending much of his time in the Turkoman Empire.

Hesse-Kassoulet gains Hanau-Munchenberg upon the mysterious end to the line of Counts of Hanau.

Rudolph II  Marries Viktoria Ellen Richthoffen the Raugrafin von Ze Tittanmuff and under her influence becomes a reformed character (although he still lives a Turkoman/hedonistic existance in private) and concentrates his attentions on affairs of state, both within Kassoulet and Europe as a whole.
1731 -
Rudolph II
Son. Becomes Landgraf of Hesse-Kassoulet declines the Crown of Sweden as advised and receives the title of Erzherzog in it's stead. Erzherzog Rudolf Dascher Hansuppen II von Hessiansacken hausen and is well stisfied, Sweden is far too chilly in winter.


  1. Glorious! If only 'real' History was so enjoyable to read :)

  2. Most impressive. You set the bar high for the rest of us.